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Linux runner qualification generated a full Node diagnostic report to read one libc version field. Reverse DNS on open sockets could stop the event loop for minutes. Replace report generation with a one-time asynchronous getconf probe during module initialization. Bound it to one second and 1 KiB of output, cache the measured facts, and preserve unknown-libc failure behavior. Verification: 149 focused tests, repository typecheck and build, full CI, and fresh Greptile 5/5 with no comments. A timed-out local heartbeat fixture passed when rerun alone. Co-Authored-By: Paperclip <noreply@paperclip.ing>